Life, Death and Moving On.

Hello readers.
I realize my activity a day advent went to shit- for that I apologize.
We have had so much happen in the last few weeks that blogging has been the very last thing on my mind. Even as I sit here, wanting to write, needing to write I struggle. There is so much to write about- so much to share, to get off my chest. Updates on Zacharey, stupid nurse comments, dropping in to see my midwives (who I have missed dearly), how Alex and Nathaniel are doing. How I so very much loathe the holiday season, Elaine's death. Moving on, moving forward, all in search for some normalcy.
I guess we should start at the beginning. Is there a beginning?

Hijacking help from my neighbour, we made several dozen cookies for my family (my side) Christmas. It involved a lot of laughing, a lot of coffee and a very late night.

 Not my best decorating skills, but it was very late early and we both needed to go to bed.

As Adam and I are slackers, we had yet to take the boys to see Santa and have their yearly picture taken, so before we were due at my aunts house, we faced the mall and waited in line for almost 2 hours.To my defence, I had a very hard time finding adequate 'Christmas' sweaters this year. H&M came to our rescue... even though I totally forgot that store existed haha.

Waiting in line-bored.

Alex, Zacharey and Nathaniel <3

Not the greatest picture, but good enough- All the ones where Zacharey was actually smiling Nathaniel was glaring at the camera. *insert long exasperated sigh here*

When we were about 5 kids away from seeing Santa, we got a text message saying that Elaine (Adam's mom) was being re admitted to the hospital and that she was going in for emergency surgery. She had signed herself out after having a hysterectomy to remove cancer a day or two prior. Even though it was against medical advice, trying to argue with her was similar to arguing with a brick wall.

We picked the 'best' picture, had it printed, loaded the kids up into the van and headed to the hospital. We never ended up making it to my family Christmas celebration as it was a very long night in the hospital. It turned out that her bowel had started to die and they ended up removing a third of her small intestine. That left her with 150cm, when the body needs at least 100cm to function. The news was promising and she would stay in the ICU until she got better. They had her sedated and incubated and were going to keep her that way until her next surgery to re attach her bowels in 72 or so hours. I can't remember if it was the next day or the day after next- it is all a blur but her stats were crashing and she was getting worse so they took her back in as they feared that the rest of her bowel was dying. They went in and took what seemed like forever. Everything looked good- it was the best news we could hope for. They went back in two days later to put her bowels back together and she was stable.

In between all of this happening, life still had to go on, the boys still had school, presents still needed to be purchased and wrapped and more cookies and bread still needed to be made.
I had made up small boxes of cookies for my Midwives- they are totally on my yearly baking list and forever stuck with me. Adam and I dropped them off to them- we were very lucky that both were in the office as that is a very rare thing. I reminded them that they are still welcome to come for coffee whenever they have a free moment and wished them a happy Christmas. It was really nice seeing them and I think they really enjoyed seeing Zacharey.

Just before leaving for the Midwife office we got a call from the Dr's office- I only listened to about 1/2 the answering machine message (couldn't find the phone in time). It was the nurse who did Zacharey's last well baby check. She was calling to see how Zacharey was doing and if he was still having eating issues. She wanted to let us know that she was talking to his Dr and said that his Dr was not overly concerned about his weight gain but that she (unsure if she meant herself as the nurse or the Dr.) would recommend supplementing with 2oz of formula after every feed. And that it sounds like I have supply issues. For starters, Zacharey has transfer issues as he is tongue tied. Secondly, I do not have supply issues and even if I did, telling me to supplement with an artificial packaged 'food' which would keep him fuller longer, thus meaning not nursing as often would cause supply issues. I think supplementing with pumped milk should be the first suggestion, I am so very sick of formula pushers. If I wanted him on formula, I would have bottle fed him. If I wanted him on formula I would not be working so hard to breast feed. It is like she did not listen to a damn word I said. It is frustrating to know that if Zacharey was this size and formula fed no one would be saying shit about his size and or weight. Trust me, I would love to see large numbers on the scale. I would love to not have anxiety every time he has a weigh in. I would love for all of this to go smoothly. Zacharey is a small baby, he is no starving, he is not delayed in any way. He is not lethargic.
Unfortunately our next weigh in is with the same nurse and I didn't have time to call the office and see if we can be scheduled with anyone other than her. Perhaps I will see her just once more, say my two bits and request that Zacharey sees someone who knows their head from their ass from now on.

As everything was going okay with Elaine, we decided to continue our plans to go to Lindsay. We left early on the 23rd, and only had to stop once to feed Zacharey. We got several text messages from John and Jim (Adam's step dad and step brother) saying that things had taken a turn for the worse and that her heart had stopped. At this point we were less than an hour away from Lindsay. I asked Adam if he wanted to turn around and he said that we might as well keep going. They were able to re start her heart via defibrillator. They were waiting for her to get in for a CT scan to find some answers.
We kept driving and got another text saying that her heart had stopped again and that they were able to re start it. I again asked Adam if he wanted to go back home.
We were at Adam's dad's place for probably two or so hours when I got a text from Jim saying that the pace maker they were going to put in failed and that the Dr's were afraid of more blood clots. That his dad didn't want any more, no more compressions and no more defib.  At this point I have no idea if Adam called John or Jim, or if ether of them called him. All I know is we started packing up the baby and that we were leaving the older boys in Lindsay so they would still be able to have a Christmas meal.
It was time to take Elaine off life support and they were waiting for us to get back to do so.
We made the trip back to Kingston in a little over two hours, the roads were terrible for the first forty or so minutes of the ride.
We got to the hospital, and said our good byes and she was taken off life support. As Elaine is stubborn and a fighter it took her time before she was ready to pass. We spent the night with her and most of the 24th. Adam dropped me off at home around 4:00pm (ish) so I could prepare for the boy's return home. Adam's dad had brought the boys home around 7:00pm. Adam took a break from the hospital and came home for our Christmas eve tradition of opening Pjs.
We pretended to have a good Christmas morning, Adam left before breakfast was ready- he needed to be with his mom.
On December 25th, 2012 Elaine passed away at 2:39pm.
I am thankful that my neighbour was able to watch the older two so I could go be with Adam. It was a rough day, it was a rough week.
Telling my boys was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I am the type of person who replaces the fish with the exact same one when it dies. I just want my kids to be kids. To never have to worry about death, to never have to experience it. Nathaniel took it the worst out of the two. Grandma was his most favourite person on the planet. They were very close. I feel terribly that he only got 4.9 short years with her. He blames the Drs and hospital- saying that it is unfair that she had to go to the hospital. That it was unfair that she had to die. Yes Nathaniel, more unfair than you will ever be able to comprehend. All I could do was hold him as he sobbed his little heart out. Telling him over and over again how sorry I am.
To say that Elaine and I had our differences would be an understatement. She knew exactly how to push my buttons, how to frustrate the crap out of me. This being said, I still cared for her deeply. She was very good to my children, especially Alex who is of no blood relation. I hated the amount of junk she fed them (laughing at me the whole time) I hated how she never listened to no. I hated that she deliberately crossed boundaries... frequently. She was a grandmother. She was very good at being a grandmother and I so wish that Zacharey would have been old enough to be spoiled by her.

We have had John over a few times for dinner- I don't like the thought of him being alone, eating alone. Like a bad habit, every time he comes Nathaniel asks if Grandma is coming over too. And every time I have to tell him no. And remind him. And every time it takes a chunk out of my heart.


<3

Stopping for a boob

Santa came!

 Elaine's Obituary.

http://yourlifemoments.ca/sitepages/obituary.asp?oId=669512

On the eleventh day of Christmas

What do green foam paper, pom poms and glue have in common?
Yesterday's craft ;)

Alex's on the left, Nathaniel's on the right.

On the tenth day of Christmas...

On our tenth day we did coffee filter snowflakes.
I had to help Nathaniel with the cutting so he didn't end up cutting off a finger. Which reminds me, I need to make a mental note to pick up safety scissors.

The Battle Continues

Zacharey had his 4 month weigh in /well baby check today. This time it was with a new nurse in the office, I am unsure if I like her or not. Some of what she had to say irritated me... a lot.
At 4 months 1 day old, Zacharey weighs a 'whopping' 13lbs 2oz- a far cry from the 14lbs he 'should be'.
This means he is up a total of 13.5oz from his 3 month weigh in. At first, she make a comment about what a big boy he was, and then looked at his chart and said "oh, never mind"
I then got asked if I was making sure he was eating enough and frequently, if I made sure he drained the breast and asked if I know about fore milk and hind milk. OF COURSE I know about all that! I made a point to tell her when we first sat down in the room that he had a class III posterior tongue tie and he has had a partial clip done. It says right in his file that we have struggled with weight gain.
She also made a bit of a stink about us not wanting him to have the new oral vax. One, it is too new for my liking. Two, I don't really feel my kids are at risk for serious gastro intestinal issues and three, I really want him to keep his virgin gut for as long as possible.
She said that infants have the exact same flora as adults and that the virgin gut was a myth.. umm okay
She also told me is was okay to start him on solids now... ummm no.
I am wondering if it has come to a point with his weight where we have to seriously consider putting him under GA and having his tie fully released. I wonder if me stopping the milk production herbs was the best choice. (I had stopped them because they were causing my hyperactive letdown to be too forceful and Zacharey was gagging and choking.)
When does it get to a point where enough is enough? I know he is not starving, and babies come in all different shapes and sizes. I know he is healthy. I know he is active, more active compared to his peers. He rolls from belly to back. He rolls from back to belly. He is trying to get his knees under him when he is on his belly. He is trying really hard to sit up alone. He has found his feet.
He is happy and smiles and laughs.
I wonder if I should go back to waking him every two hours at night. I wonder if I should start supplementing with pumped milk after feeds.
I wonder if I should just throw in the fucking towel and admit defeat. I was so proud when he hit his 4 month birthday. He had officially been breast fed longer than Nathaniel. I thought he was doing better, he looks bigger. Or so I thought. I loathe the scale.
Needless to say, I spent the whole afternoon bawling my eyes out.

Zacharey 1 month after his partial tie release

4 months old!

Screw Sophie! Gimme the controller Dada!
(excuse the mess)

I found my feet!

Zacharey December 10th 2012
13lbs 2oz
26.4 inches long
16.14 inch head

On the nineth day of Christmas

Today I got away with not doing a craft. We were invited to a cookie exchange at the Koziar's house. I did the baking (well Kim helped) and the boys just reaped the benefits.
It was a great turn out and the boys had a lot of fun (so much that they didn't want to leave).


On a completely unrelated side note, both boys passed their swimming lessons!

Nathaniel is now in Divers and had;
"Good work this fall Nathaniel! I think it's awesome how you always come to call with a lot of energy and always want to do all your skills by yourself. I like how you can swim ten meters on your front, remembering to do big scoops and big kicks the whole time! Next steps: remember to always keep a puffy belly when you do your back swim and back glide so your feet don't sink to the bottom. I think it's great how you can do a rollover glide without any help! Happy holidays and keep up the great work in DIVERS!"
Written on his paper.

Alex is now in Star 1 and had;
"Great participation in my class! Awesome swimming this session  Alexander. Remember not to have splashy arms when you do your front crawl and back crawl. Good improvement on your side glide and treading water in the deep end. Keep up the great swimming!"
Written on his paper.

On the eighth day of Christmas...

 Sorry, I was 'too busy' to post yesterday.

Yesterday we were invited over to the Wood's to do craft. Score for me, she did all the effort of organizing it and as an added bonus the mess was at her house.

She had several lovely crafts lined up, great ideas (some of which I might steal). Unfortunately no one but Ally was interested/had the attention span to actually sit and make anything. Her craft was my favourite.

Nathaniel painted his angel hulk green... and left it.

Ally's masterpiece!

Ally really loves Zacharey... he doesn't feel the same way

 After al the kids were in bed, I had Kim come over and help make oreos http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2007/05/my-kingdom-for-a-glass-of-milk/ (amazing for the record...)
And being the amazing person that I am totally forgot to add flour to the recipe... and so the first batch didn't work out so well. I should have gotten a pic of the goo it made. I can laugh about it now, but it kinda pissed me off last night. We were able to rectify the situation and move on to wrapping presents and drinking coffee.

(Not that it really mattered anyways, as a certain 4.5 year old decided to help himself to several this morning so I had to make another batch for the cookie exchange today. (which I added too much butter too and had to double the recipe *sigh* I just can't win!)

On the seventh day of Christmas...

I think I need to start writing down craft/activity ideas and include a list of needed ingredients/supplies. I am finding it difficult to come up with ideas or even have the energy to set up a multi step project. I am finding that the craft/activity ideas are becoming increasingly lame. Even with Pintrist and google at my fingertips, I just lack in the creative department. I suppose that the boys enjoying themselves and asking "what are we doing tonight?" should be enough of a win. Perhaps jumping in with both feet was not such a great idea, especially for someone who is not creative or crafty.
Ether way, I feel obligated to do an activity a night, partly because the boys are having fun and it is creating memories for them and partly because I decided to blog about it.
Anyways, let's get down to business.
Tonight the boys made tissue paper snowman. Basically I cut up and crumbled a crap ton of tissue paper and had them glue the pieces down on foam snowman shapes.

Alex's on the left, Nathaniel's on the right

Until tomorrow!

On the sixth day of Christmas...

Sorry that this is a day late. I forgot to post yesterday. Okay, I didn't forget. I was busy eating junk food and watching Grey's Anatomy with a friend.
Anyways, today's/yesterday's craft was decorating a snowflake. (What's worse than glitter? Glitter glue! It is all over my table...)

Alex's on the left, Nathaniel's on the right

Until tomorrow/today!

On the fifth day of Christmas...

Today I was persuaded by Adam to put up the tree. Normally I hold off until at least the 15th of December.
Our door has an ugly plastic Santa head on it, our windows some tacky colourful lights and our tree is up and decorated.
We need to figure out where to put Zacharey's swing now haha

I think it is safe to say that Santa has successfully thrown up all over our house.

Until tomorrow!

On the fourth day of Christmas...

Being a dreary Tuesday -it rained here, I was lacking motivation to do a craft (or even make dinner for that matter... blueberry pancakes for the win). So today's was a lame awesome snowflake craft.

Alex's

Nathaniel's

Until tomorrow!

On the third day of Christmas...

Today's craft was a bit of a failure. Well, not the craft per-say, just the day of craft.
Just before leaving for Mother's Circle today, I received a phone call from the school. I guess Alex decided it would be a good idea to harass a first grader until he (the first grader) would agree to trade a Pokemon card (ONE) for a twenty dollar bill. Since the first grader stuck to his guns, Alex decided that he would spit on the first grader... in the face. 
The principal was curious as to why a ten year old would have a twenty dollar bill on him, as it is a large amount of cash for a child to randomly have. Alex thought it would be a good idea to not turn in his hot lunch and milk money for the month of December. I am not sure how he thought he would get away with that one. I am sure he would miss his daily milk and would be awfully hungry every Friday as I wouldn't be packing him a lunch. Since it is too late to turn it in, he will have to go with out for this month. I am unsure if I will bother with future months as he can no longer be trusted to hand in forms and money. (Does it make me a bad person/parent that I am a little bummed that I have to make him a lunch every Friday? I very much enjoy having one day off a week...)
The principal decided that the best course of action would not be a suspension... this time. He is not allowed on the yards for a long time and is not allowed to participate in inter-murals within the school. However, if this happens again he will be suspended (justifiably).
So- needless to say, Alex did not participate in tonight's craft.

Today Nathaniel was supposed to make a beaded wire Christmas Tree. Only, a tree shape was too hard for me to bend. (I tried I really did... it was not pretty haha)

The beads were almost too small for Nathaniel's dexterity level.
In the future I would probably use bigger beads.

Not a tree, but a star is Christmasy right?

Until tomorrow!

On the second day of Christmas...

Today I had planned to do wire beaded trees. I know I bought wire from my trip to the dollar store but I seemed to have misplaced it between there and home. So We made snowman instead.
I made the first one to give (Nathaniel) a bit of an example.

Nothing fancy, but an activity none the less.

Yes, Nathaniel is dressed as Bumblebee...

While the boys (minus Zacharey as he is too little to really make one) were making their snowmen, Alex insisted on complaining on the lack of top hat- which reminded me why I rarely do crafts with them...

Alex's snowman looks like it got into a fight with a shot gun. When asked about all the red dots he grinned... *sigh*

Nathaniel's looks like his scarf exploded. He said he ran out of room lol

Until tomorrow!

On the first day of Christmas...

December 1st. Day ONE
Being overly ambitious I have decided to jump right in.

This was our activity for today

I made up the dough and had each of the boys make their print. In three hours, possibly four as they will need cooling time, I will paint them (so not brave enough to let the boys use non washable paint...). I am being overly hopeful that they will work. I will edit this post once they are done with the finished results.

UPDATE:

Life

I have been told I don't post enough and that I have been leaving my very few readers hanging. Sorry!
I have a hard enough time finding time to do regular SAHM stuff- cleaning, dishes, laundry... child refereeing. I guess writing and updating my blog just doesn't take a priority. I have been so scatterbrained, and I know my choppy, hard to follow dribble-I call writing, shows it. I will try and make more of an effort to at least blog twice a month.



As for an update, I guess we will start with Zacharey.
At his three month weight in he sat at 12lbs 6.5oz. A gain of 22.5oz in 27 days. The Dr seemed pleased with his weight gain and he is starting to follow his own curve. It isn't much of a curve, but there is one. We go back to again on the 10th of December for another weight check and his 4 month needles. Exactly 28 days between weigh ins. Bring on 28+oz!
He still fights most of his feeds and is quick to lose his mind. He also 'finishes' nursing quickly and often only eats from one side. I really hope this means he is just becoming more efficient. I guess we will find out for sure on the 10th. *cue anxiety*
As for milestones, he is almost able to sit up unassisted, he loves to stand (much to my dismay... Adam thinks it is great though) he is rolling over from belly to back and back to side. He is starting to grab at his toys and holding them.
A side from weight gain and him being the skinniest little baby ever, he is doing really well :)

Nathaniel is doing really well in school and has a great time when he is there. You wouldn't know it if you judged it by his drop offs. Every morning is a battle, a frustrating, hair pulling, teeth grinding battle.
N: "I don't want to go to school"
M: "Yes you do."
N:  "No! 'Cause I'd miss you! I want to be with you!"
M: "I'll miss you too, but you are a big boy and you like school and you need to go."
N: *cue tantrum and screaming crying fit*
His teachers assure me that it is only for a few minutes and once he is inside he is fine.
When he is home he tells me about his day and belts out the various songs he learned throughout the day. My personal favourite is his personal rendition of Oh Canada...

Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex.
School is going great for Alex this year. His teacher really has a connection with him and is able to handle his behavious and quirks quite well. I have had a few notes and a few phone calls home but nothing major. The school really feels that this concoction of medication he is on is helping dramatically.
Now if we could only get him to stop stealing everything he could get his hands on...
His newest obsession is Pokemon cards. Unfortunately, this means he has been stealing electronics from home and trading them for the cards at school. *jeeze kid, at least make the trade worth while! 22 cards of the exact same one? That is NOT a fair trade for my iTouch...*
Thankfully the school intervened and we were given the iTouch and cameras back. They have also set up a random bag check. Hopefully this will deter him.
Stealing things from us is one thing. Food can be re bought, electronics are just stuff. It is the stealing from stores that really gets me, and will really get him. I don't always notice him grabbing stuff until well after the fact (laundry, room checks)
According to his psyc, this is normal age appropriate behaviour. I beg to differ, but if it is, I really hope he grows out of it soon.
We had Alex's IPRC meeting yesterday. Which is basically going over the main points of his IEP and to see if he still fits in the category of an exceptional student, which he does. There will be no changes to his IEP which is fine, no changes are necessary. At the meeting, the transition for grade 6 to 7 came up. As his school only goes to grade 6, both Adam and I are concerned with how he will handle the transition to the next school. Even though he is only in grade 5, it is important to look into what the transitional process is. It was suggested that we look into the ATLAS program. Applying Technology for Learning, Aptitude and Success (ATLAS) sounds like a really great fit for him. I am a bit concerned that sending him to a separate program instead of main stream might hinder his peer relationships more. At the same time, I know he will struggle being in a new environment with new teachers and new administration. I am not sure the same exceptions will be made for bahavious and quirks as they currently are. Perhaps keeping him sheltered from the mainstream for two years will be beneficial.

As for me, well I am.
The last few weeks have been intense. Between Dr appointments, play groups, Mother's Circle, school meetings. Trying to find a balance between stuff, appointments, house works and having time for a shower is hard. Nursing Zacharey takes up most of my day (and night). I really look forward to when Adam comes home form work, so I can pass off the baby, have a shower, do some dishes, make dinner. Have an adult conversation.
I am finding that I am anxious all the time. About everything. Stressed and overwhelmed.
Getting the kids to school on time, worrying about the grocery budget, writing out my price matching list, cutting coupons, cursing the lack of fresh produce or milk coupons, paying bills, not paying bills, going over and over the budget, re budgeting, ogling over cloth diapers I need... want, stressing over Zacharey, breast feeding, the size of my ass, pulling dinner out of thin air- and have the kids eat it, wondering if it is enough, if it will ever be enough, Christmas. When will I be more than mom?
Oh Christmas- I swear you will be the death of me. I got an idea stuck in my head. A friend of mine does an activity a day starting December 1st and lasting until the 24th. I would really like to do this with the boys. I feel like I don't do enough with them. I don't know if I have the energy to do it though. Her's aren't big things every day- some days it is candy cane day or do something nice for some one else day. Perhaps I will be ambitions and just jump in with both feet. It would give me something to write about- small daily blogs. I have been talking about re leaning how to knit. My grandmother had taught me how to do basic knitting when I was a small child. I have since lost the skill (not much of one I swear... I was really good at making scarves...super long scarves). Anyways, I was gifted needles and a ball of yarn. It is sitting in front of me as I type. I wonder if the ball would be enough to make a diaper cover or maybe some booties for Zacharey. Perhaps if I get good at it, I can gift people mittens and slippers.

All in good time I suppose. Until next time-

Awful

We received a call from the ENT on Wednesday, November 7th asking us to come in on the 8th at 1pm.  Even though I was glad to finally hear from them, my anxiety went through the roof. I had no idea if they were going to clip Zacharey's ties or just assess. I knew if they were going to clip his ties that it would hurt him and I really did not want him hurting.

Zacharey
November 7th 2012
Unknown weight

I snapped a picture of him in his diaper for reference sake- so I had something to compare to.
Adam had to work the day of his appointment, so I was on my own.

The Dr. assessed his mouth and said that his tie was too posterior to do a full clip but he would clip as much as possible today and to call him in a week if there is no change or if we are still having weight gain/latching issues. If we are still having problems, he would have to put Zacharey under general (!!!) to do the full clip as it would require a stitch or two. As for his lip tie, the ENT said that it should not be causing any issues with him nursing and it would be purely cosmetic to clip it. At most, Zacharey would have a gap in his front teeth and will require braces to correct it. No biggy.

I held him tight in my arms as the nurse held his head and the Dr clipped it. I was under the impression that they would use a topical numbing. Boy was I mistaken. I have never heard my poor boy scream and cry like that- ever. I also wasn't expecting the amount of blood. I realize head/mouth wounds bleed a lot, but this seemed like too much.

Zacharey was VERY hard to calm down after the procedure. He refused to nurse for almost 4 hours. We were bother covered in blood from our many attempts.

As of right now, Zacharey is still hard to nurse- he cries for several minutes every time I place him to my breast. Once latched he no longer clicks or has cheek puckering but he still has a small, shallow, painful latch. He also doesn't seem to nurse as long anymore. I have no idea if he has just become more efficient or if it is just too painful for him to eat.

I am uncomfortable with him going under general at such a young age (or at all!!!) so I am hoping that the small clip will be enough to help him gain properly.

We have an appointment with our family Dr on Monday to have him weighed. I will ask for another appointment for the following Monday to see if there is a significant change in his weight and decide from there if he is going to need further intervention.

Breast is Best!

Let's talk breastfeeding.
Let's talk weight loss.
Let's talk slow weight gain.
Let's talk tongue and lip ties.
Let's talk about unsupported comments and pressure to formula feed.
Let's talk about the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Zacharey had a very quick un medicated birth. He was brought into the world peacefully, had skin to skin right away and we opted not to have any part of his precious body sliced away. 
He wouldn't latch.
We gave him time, we tried and re tried and re tried.
He finally latched, he was finally eating. The head bobbing 'can't find a boob' continued for weeks. He lost his 10% quickly. Skinny skinny baby.
After a small 4oz weight gain at 3 weeks we had a heart wrenching 7oz loss. I waited until my midwife left to hold my boy and cry. Ugly sobs.  He was nursing constantly, almost every hour, he never slept, only ate! At my Midwife's suggestion, I started taking blessed thistle and fenugreek. Three of each, three times a day. I was also pumping after every single feed and SNSing everything I got after the feeds. Minimum every two hour feeds, regardless of time of day or time of night. I would feel so guilty if he slept longer than two hours, or if I fell asleep and missed a feed. It was exhausting and time consuming. I hated every moment of it. Thankfully I am the most stubborn person on the face of the planet and refused to give up. Refused to settle for anything less.
Every weigh in caused anxiety, every ounce fought for, worked for and desperately needed.
It is even more difficult to have very un supportive comments or suggestions. Just give him a bottle- there is nothing wrong with it. Some babies just need formula. You just aren't giving him enough- that's why he is so skinny.
These comments are not helpful for someone who is struggling to give her baby the best nourishment possible. These comments are not helpful for any breastfeeding mother. These comments are not welcome, especially on pictures of a beautiful boy.
Following our discharge from midwifery care, I made an appointment for us to see a lactation consultant at the health unit. She assessed his mouth, suck and latch. She said he had a very high palate and a weak suck. She confirmed that he has a lip tie and suspected a posterior tongue tie as his tongue does not function properly, even though he can stick it out.
I made an appointment with our family doctor to get a referral to an ENT, but unfortunately my concerns were dismissed. How frustrating. We were denied a referral.
The following week we saw the LC again, I told her what happened at the doctors, and she also dismissed my concerns as his weight gain in the past week was okay- low normal.
At Zacharey's two month well baby check, our doctor listened to our concerns and was hesitant to make a referral to an ENT as his weight was still in the okay low-normal range, although did admit that his weight was not where it should be. She referred us to another doctor in the office who is also a lactation consultant. She felt more comfortable with us getting a second opinion before writing a referral. Okay. We can work with that.
We saw the new doctor/LC on the 16th. Zacharey had a FABULOUS  weight gain of 9oz in 6 days! He sits at 11lbs 1oz. I guess all the cluster feeding he had been doing was really paying off. She again confirmed his lip tie, said his palate was not high at all but said he has a class III tongue tie and awkward mouth movements when sucking. He was mostly playing and would not suck on her finger. Even though he is able to stick out his tongue, when sucking he is unable to extend his tongue past his gum line. She watched him eat, choke, gulp, cough, click and sputter (all normal for him) and made us a referral to see an ENT. She was very reassuring and encouraging. She acknowledged how hard we have been working to get him to gain. It is so nice to finally have answers and a solution. 
I wouldn't say I am apprehensive to having his tie/tie's corrected. However, I am anxious about causing him pain, even though I know it will be beneficial to him in the long run. Not just with eating and weight gain, but with his speech and language development. If I do not hear anything from the ENT by the 31st, I will start harassing them. The older he is, the harder it will be for him to relearn how to use his 'new' mouth.
I just want this whole process to be over with so we can move on. I want him to gain properly. For all of this to work the way it is supposed to.

Saying Goodbye

Today was a sad day.
I hate saying goodbye.
It is hard to believe that we are no longer under the care of a midwife (midwives). Hard to believe that Zacharey is almost 6 week old. Hard to believe that this chapter of my life has come to a close and that it is time to move on. Can we go back please?
The type of care a Midwife provides has zero comparison to that of an OB. I wish I had of used a Midwife for Alex and Nathaniel. It is so much more personable. They genuinely care about how you are doing, what you are feeling and what is going on. It is more like sitting down with an old friend than a health care provider.
My midwives were fantastic and if I have the opportunity to do this all over again, I would not hesitate to use them again. I have no idea if it is even possible to have the same Midwives over and over but I would love it if it were. (I would like to be clear that at this point in time I have ZERO plans to become a family of six. Being a family of 5 is overwhelming enough thankyouverymuch)

Sadly I never got a picture with Zacharey and Myriam, but I did get a few of Zacharey and Susan. (Susan delivered him)

Waiting to say goodbye

She wasn't pinching him, he was starting to get hungry... again

An update as to how we are doing- I had an oh so fun pap done. So I am good for a while (thank god). My stitches are all healed (which I knew) and I am good to go.
Zacharey seems to be having weight gain issues again. After our great 24oz gained in two weeks, he sadly only gained 4oz in two weeks. He is now 9lbs 12oz.
 I guess this means I am pack to pumping after every feed and SNSing whatever I get. Susan made a point to tell me not to stress about his weight gain (or lack there of ) but how can I not? 4oz in two weeks is a very small amount. It is discouraging. Especially since he nurses every hour for the most part. It is so much fun feeling ridiculously inadequate.

--Cris

Never a Dull Moment

Because we are suckers for punishment, we packed up the van and traveled 2.5 hours yesterday (one way), to celebrate Adam's Grandfather's 80th Birthday.
I was super nervous about how Zacharey would do for the ride as he has been eating about every hour. I was fully prepared to have to stop several times and nurse him. Much to my surprise he slept the whole way! Not a peep out of him.

Nathaniel however, got car sick. He filled a large Timmy's cup to the brim (it was the only container I could hand him in a hurry... no judgement needed haha). Super gross. I don't handle vomit well, especially older kid vomit. I thought Adam was going to die laughing at me. Coughing and gagging the whole time. Thankfully he didn't make a mess of himself, the van or his car seat. I must remember to keep an extra outfit for him in the back compartment of the van. You would think I would learn.

It was nice meeting Adam's Grandfather. You would never know he was 80. He looks fantastic and is more mobile than I was expecting. He was thrilled to meet the boys and told me that I was the best thing to happen to Adam. Awwe, I did a good job domesticating!  We left the celebration early due to some serious family drama. It is sad that a bunch of adults can't handle themselves appropriately. We stopped in to see Adam's dad before we made the trip back. The boys had a lot of fun, and that is all that matters.

The ride home was quiet, and although VERY late for the boys they handled the ride. Nathaniel and Zacharey slept most of the way back and Alex watched Transformers on the van's DVD player. (Although I didn't care one way or another when we first got our van, I am SO glad it has a DVD player in it. It makes road trips that much easier.)

Alex had an appointment at HDH to see his psyc today. I really wish that she would be more of a help to us. She often dismisses my concerns and pushes medication.
Yes Alex is medicated, no they don't work.
Instead of helping me address the issues we have been having, she dismissed them AGAIN and wanted to up his dosage. She suggested that I am just tired and not handling him as well as I normally would. Yes, I am exhausted but these behaviours and problems have been going on for months now. I have brought up these issues several times. I am asking for help and instead I am having new prescriptions thrown at me and told to come back in one months time.
In the mean time, I will fill the new rx, up his protein intake (her suggestion to him stealing food) and sit on weight lists for behaviour modification programs (my request).

tick.tick.tick

--Cris

Bat Shit Crazy

Bat Shit Crazy seems to me my new motto as of late.
Adjusting to the life of a mom of three boys has definitely had its challenges, and yet I wouldn't change a second of it. Okay, I might change the fact that thing one and thing two fight constantly... seriously! Do they really need to fight all the time?!?!
The last few weeks have been super eventful in our home. 

Zacharey made his grand entrance into the world on the 9th of August. I think I am still in shock that I did not go over due. Or maybe it is the fact that he came about 30 minutes after we got to the hospital. My poor Midwife caught him all old school- she is bad ass like that. Haha. She didn't have time to put on gloves!
He weighed 8lbs 10oz and was 22 inches long. He looks way smaller than he is. All his weight is in his length.
I am still bummed that Adam wouldn't agree to a home birth but I was able to go home about 3 hours after.
At 5 weeks, I am happy to report that he is still 100% breastfed and has yet to have a bottle. It has been a challenge though. We have dealt with crappy latches, serious weight loss issues, cluster feeds and now clicking. I am still waiting for this to get easier. How can something so natural be so difficult?
To make life even more interesting, we have taken on a new journey. Cloth Diapers! - Honestly, they aren't that bad!

Nathaniel started juniour kindergarten this school year and is in full day (all day every day). How is it even possible that he is old enough to be in real school? He seems to enjoy going and his teacher always has something nice to say about him. Which is a really nice change from all the negative we get about Alex. On Friday, she told Adam that he is a treat to have in the classroom and that he is so kind and compassionate. Way to make your mama proud  kid.

Alex started grade five this year, which makes me feel really old. He has his first male teacher since his horrible private school days. He seems to like him and I have yet to have a phone call or a note come home. I am hopeful for a good year for Alex. God knows he needs one. At 10 years old, he has yet to have a positive school experience. I should really set up a meeting with his teacher. We need to go over behaviours and quirks. Medications and his IEP, his successes and his struggles.

Welcome to our crazy life ;)
--Cris