I realize my activity a day advent went to shit- for that I apologize.
We have had so much happen in the last few weeks that blogging has been the very last thing on my mind. Even as I sit here, wanting to write, needing to write I struggle. There is so much to write about- so much to share, to get off my chest. Updates on Zacharey, stupid nurse comments, dropping in to see my midwives (who I have missed dearly), how Alex and Nathaniel are doing. How I so very much loathe the holiday season, Elaine's death. Moving on, moving forward, all in search for some normalcy.
I guess we should start at the beginning. Is there a beginning?
Hijacking help from my neighbour, we made several dozen cookies for my family (my side) Christmas. It involved a lot of laughing, a lot of coffee and a very late night.
As Adam and I are slackers, we had yet to take the boys to see Santa and have their yearly picture taken, so before we were due at my aunts house, we faced the mall and waited in line for almost 2 hours.To my defence, I had a very hard time finding adequate 'Christmas' sweaters this year. H&M came to our rescue... even though I totally forgot that store existed haha.
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| Waiting in line-bored. |
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| Alex, Zacharey and Nathaniel <3 |
When we were about 5 kids away from seeing Santa, we got a text message saying that Elaine (Adam's mom) was being re admitted to the hospital and that she was going in for emergency surgery. She had signed herself out after having a hysterectomy to remove cancer a day or two prior. Even though it was against medical advice, trying to argue with her was similar to arguing with a brick wall.
We picked the 'best' picture, had it printed, loaded the kids up into the van and headed to the hospital. We never ended up making it to my family Christmas celebration as it was a very long night in the hospital. It turned out that her bowel had started to die and they ended up removing a third of her small intestine. That left her with 150cm, when the body needs at least 100cm to function. The news was promising and she would stay in the ICU until she got better. They had her sedated and incubated and were going to keep her that way until her next surgery to re attach her bowels in 72 or so hours. I can't remember if it was the next day or the day after next- it is all a blur but her stats were crashing and she was getting worse so they took her back in as they feared that the rest of her bowel was dying. They went in and took what seemed like forever. Everything looked good- it was the best news we could hope for. They went back in two days later to put her bowels back together and she was stable.
In between all of this happening, life still had to go on, the boys still had school, presents still needed to be purchased and wrapped and more cookies and bread still needed to be made.
I had made up small boxes of cookies for my Midwives- they are totally on my yearly baking list and forever stuck with me. Adam and I dropped them off to them- we were very lucky that both were in the office as that is a very rare thing. I reminded them that they are still welcome to come for coffee whenever they have a free moment and wished them a happy Christmas. It was really nice seeing them and I think they really enjoyed seeing Zacharey.
Just before leaving for the Midwife office we got a call from the Dr's office- I only listened to about 1/2 the answering machine message (couldn't find the phone in time). It was the nurse who did Zacharey's last well baby check. She was calling to see how Zacharey was doing and if he was still having eating issues. She wanted to let us know that she was talking to his Dr and said that his Dr was not overly concerned about his weight gain but that she (unsure if she meant herself as the nurse or the Dr.) would recommend supplementing with 2oz of formula after every feed. And that it sounds like I have supply issues. For starters, Zacharey has transfer issues as he is tongue tied. Secondly, I do not have supply issues and even if I did, telling me to supplement with an artificial packaged 'food' which would keep him fuller longer, thus meaning not nursing as often would cause supply issues. I think supplementing with pumped milk should be the first suggestion, I am so very sick of formula pushers. If I wanted him on formula, I would have bottle fed him. If I wanted him on formula I would not be working so hard to breast feed. It is like she did not listen to a damn word I said. It is frustrating to know that if Zacharey was this size and formula fed no one would be saying shit about his size and or weight. Trust me, I would love to see large numbers on the scale. I would love to not have anxiety every time he has a weigh in. I would love for all of this to go smoothly. Zacharey is a small baby, he is no starving, he is not delayed in any way. He is not lethargic.
Unfortunately our next weigh in is with the same nurse and I didn't have time to call the office and see if we can be scheduled with anyone other than her. Perhaps I will see her just once more, say my two bits and request that Zacharey sees someone who knows their head from their ass from now on.
As everything was going okay with Elaine, we decided to continue our plans to go to Lindsay. We left early on the 23rd, and only had to stop once to feed Zacharey. We got several text messages from John and Jim (Adam's step dad and step brother) saying that things had taken a turn for the worse and that her heart had stopped. At this point we were less than an hour away from Lindsay. I asked Adam if he wanted to turn around and he said that we might as well keep going. They were able to re start her heart via defibrillator. They were waiting for her to get in for a CT scan to find some answers.
We kept driving and got another text saying that her heart had stopped again and that they were able to re start it. I again asked Adam if he wanted to go back home.
We were at Adam's dad's place for probably two or so hours when I got a text from Jim saying that the pace maker they were going to put in failed and that the Dr's were afraid of more blood clots. That his dad didn't want any more, no more compressions and no more defib. At this point I have no idea if Adam called John or Jim, or if ether of them called him. All I know is we started packing up the baby and that we were leaving the older boys in Lindsay so they would still be able to have a Christmas meal.
It was time to take Elaine off life support and they were waiting for us to get back to do so.
We made the trip back to Kingston in a little over two hours, the roads were terrible for the first forty or so minutes of the ride.
We got to the hospital, and said our good byes and she was taken off life support. As Elaine is stubborn and a fighter it took her time before she was ready to pass. We spent the night with her and most of the 24th. Adam dropped me off at home around 4:00pm (ish) so I could prepare for the boy's return home. Adam's dad had brought the boys home around 7:00pm. Adam took a break from the hospital and came home for our Christmas eve tradition of opening Pjs.
We pretended to have a good Christmas morning, Adam left before breakfast was ready- he needed to be with his mom.
On December 25th, 2012 Elaine passed away at 2:39pm.
I am thankful that my neighbour was able to watch the older two so I could go be with Adam. It was a rough day, it was a rough week.
Telling my boys was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I am the type of person who replaces the fish with the exact same one when it dies. I just want my kids to be kids. To never have to worry about death, to never have to experience it. Nathaniel took it the worst out of the two. Grandma was his most favourite person on the planet. They were very close. I feel terribly that he only got 4.9 short years with her. He blames the Drs and hospital- saying that it is unfair that she had to go to the hospital. That it was unfair that she had to die. Yes Nathaniel, more unfair than you will ever be able to comprehend. All I could do was hold him as he sobbed his little heart out. Telling him over and over again how sorry I am.
To say that Elaine and I had our differences would be an understatement. She knew exactly how to push my buttons, how to frustrate the crap out of me. This being said, I still cared for her deeply. She was very good to my children, especially Alex who is of no blood relation. I hated the amount of junk she fed them (laughing at me the whole time) I hated how she never listened to no. I hated that she deliberately crossed boundaries... frequently. She was a grandmother. She was very good at being a grandmother and I so wish that Zacharey would have been old enough to be spoiled by her.
We have had John over a few times for dinner- I don't like the thought of him being alone, eating alone. Like a bad habit, every time he comes Nathaniel asks if Grandma is coming over too. And every time I have to tell him no. And remind him. And every time it takes a chunk out of my heart.
<3
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| Stopping for a boob |
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| Santa came! |
Elaine's Obituary.
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